Don't Let Go
by Emily Blake
Summary: Ryan was Natalia's best friend. Partners who look out for each other. She knew she would gladly take a bullet for him anyday. But he was faster than her this time. Milkshake Buddies/songfic short inspired by "Your Guardian Angel" by RJA.


**Author's Note: **What's up, everybody? It's good to be back, if even for a little bit :P.

This is just a short little something I've had rattling around in my skull for a couple weeks. It was originally meant to be a oneshot, but it turned into more of a short story. It is also technically kind of a songfic. The plot and even some of the dialogue was so heavily influenced by the lyrics, I figured I may as well put 'em in there. It's based off of "Your Guardian Angel" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

This is a Milkshake Buddies fic. If you have no idea what that means, you haven't read my fic "Demons." So go do that, 'cause it's pretty good if I do say so myself lol. Milkshake Buddies is the name I gave to Ryan-Natalia FRIENDSHIP. Not romance, this is NOT fluff. They're best friends in my fics, not lovers. Just so we're clear ;).

For the song lyrics, when they're in _italics_, it's Natalia's point of view. When they're **bold**, it's Ryan's point of view. _**Both **_is both :P.

Special thanks to Mel for staying on my case to get this done :P. Enjoy!

* * *

Ryan glanced over and saw Natalia fiddling with her necklace absent-mindedly. He frowned; she only did that when she had something on her mind.

"Something wrong?" he asked, returning his gaze to the road.

Rain was falling steadily as they followed the traffic. Ryan and Natalia had decided to share a Hummer. Horatio was ahead of them in another and Frank was already at the scene.

She looked at him, startled, as if she hadn't even noticed what she'd been doing. "No, why?"

"You seem… tense."

"I'm fine."

Ryan glanced her again, not believing her. She saw the look and immediately dropped her gaze to her lap. Sometimes she thought he could read her a little too well.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked.

She sighed. "Not really."

:|o|:

**Five Hours Ago**

"Christine, do you really need me to do this _now_?" Natalia demanded into the phone. "I'm gonna be late for work!"

"I'm sorry, Nat, but I need it for today if I'm gonna finish all the shopping and prep in time for dinner!" her sister pleaded. "_Please_, Nat!"

Natalia groaned, wedging the phone between her ear and shoulder so both of her hands were free. She threw open her closet doors and began rummaging through the shelves above all her hanging clothes.

"What's wrong with the recipes _you _have?" Natalia groaned, pushing aside a couple dusty shoeboxes.

"C'mon, you know Abuelita's salsa de ajilimojili is amazing. She protected the recipe like Fort Knox. Do you have any idea how jealous me and Anya were when she gave it to you for your wedding?"

"Can this guy you're trying to impress even _say _ajilimojili?" Natalia said dryly. She pulled down a thick brown photo album. She froze when she saw it.

"Who cares? He's _so _hot, Nat," Christine retorted.

Natalia didn't say anything for a moment, her lips slightly parted in shock as she gazed down at the brown leather cover of the album in her hands. She slowly opened it with shaking fingers.

"Nat?"

Natalia's breath caught in her chest when she saw the face smiling up at her.

Nick.

"Nat, you there?"

It was their wedding album. How long had it been since she'd looked at it?

"Helloooo?" Christine called loudly. Her voice blaring out of the phone speaker interrupted Natalia's thoughts.

"Sorry, yeah, I'm here," she said quickly. She flipped to the back of the album and pulled an old index card out of one of the slots, the recipe her sister was looking for. "I found the recipe, I'll leave it out in the mailbox for you. Stop by anytime."

Christine let out a whoop of glee. "You're the best, big sister!" she cried.

"Uh-huh," Natalia said offhandedly, turning around to place the album on her bed. "I gotta go. Call me later and tell me how it went, okay?"

"You bet, thanks again! Love you!"

"Love you, too. Bye."

Natalia hung up the phone with a click and stared down at the album. She slowly sat down on the bed next to it, as if afraid it would jump up and bite her. She carefully opened the book once more.

The first picture was of her and Nick together. They both looked so happy. Natalia hardly recognized the two people in the photo. The image of their smiling faces barely even registered as real to her.

Something tightened in her chest as she numbly flipped through the pages. It had been almost five years now since Nick's death, almost seven since their divorce.

Almost seven years since he'd broken her arm.

Natalia absent-mindedly touched the little hearing aid tucked inside her left ear, a physical reminder of Nick's lasting legacy. His legacy of fear, of false love, of abuse.

She suddenly felt hot tears of rage well up in her eyes. She glared down at the smiling man in the photographs, the imposter.

_When I see your smile_

_Tears run down my face_

_I can't replace_

Natalia slammed the photo album shut and quickly shoved it back into the dark, dusty depths of her closet. She stormed out of her bedroom and down the stairs, gathering up her purse, keys and cell as she headed off to the lab.

She impatiently flicked the tears from her eyes as she walked out to tuck the recipe card in her mailbox and get in her car. _None of that_, she told herself fiercely.

It had been years since he'd tried to destroy her, and very nearly succeeded. She had worked very hard to move past him, to let go of the fear and the pain of his memory. He couldn't hurt her anymore. She _refused _to let him hurt her anymore.

_And now that I'm strong_

_I have figured out_

_How this world turns cold_

_And it breaks through my soul_

Natalia cleared her throat as she turned the key in the ignition and put the car in gear. She took a deep breath as she slowly backed out of her driveway. It was okay to still have these feelings, she reasoned with herself as she drove.

_Just remember that you survived_, she thought.

She had made herself a new person since then, a stronger woman with a bright, new life. She had friends, she had her family, she had a job she loved and was good at. She reminded herself that those things had come from her and no one else.

_And I know I'll find_

_Deep inside me_

_I can be the one_

Natalia felt a little better as she walked into the lab that morning, though she was still a little shaken. She had been startled by suddenly seeing Nick's face again. She just hoped she could ignore the thoughts of him at work.

She would be fine once she got home later that night, when she would burn every one of those photos with him in it. She'd save the ones of herself, of course.

After all, she'd half-starved herself for three months to fit into that dress, and she looked _damn fine_ in it, if she did say so herself.

:|o|:

Natalia had shoved all thoughts of Nick out of her mind as soon as she and Ryan had arrived at the scene. They got out of the Hummer and quickly scurried toward the front door of the house to get out of the rain. Frank and Horatio were inside waiting for them. Both men looked grim.

Frank nodded in greeting to the two CSIs. "Welcome to the slaughterhouse," he said darkly.

Ryan and Natalia glanced at each other. _That _didn't sound good.

"What do we got, Frank?" Horatio asked quietly, looking around the well-furnished foyer.

"Neighbors heard gunfire," he told them. "First officer on scene found four victims, a whole family: father, mother and two teenage sons. The mom and dad were found in the kitchen and the boys were in their respective bedrooms. The younger one, David, was still alive. He's on his way to Dade Memorial in critical condition with two bullets in his chest. Everyone else was pronounced DOA."

Ryan sighed heavily. That was an awful lot of death for one morning.

"Any witnesses?" Natalia asked.

"We're canvassing the neighborhood, but so far no one saw anyone besides the victims go in or out in the past two days," Frank answered. "Doc Loman's in the kitchen with the parents."

"That's where I'll be," Horatio said quietly, walking away.

"I guess that leaves us to start upstairs," Natalia told Ryan. He nodded in agreement. "Thanks, Frank."

She and Ryan climbed the stairs to the second floor. They could smell the blood as soon as they reached the landing. They glanced at each other again, their faces grimly set. This was not going to be a pleasant morning. At the top of the stairs, the hallway stretched away in either direction. By the looks of it, there were bedrooms on either end.

The CSIs wordlessly parted, Ryan taking the left and Natalia heading right. She walked slowly down the dim hallway, fighting to suppress a shudder. It was almost as if she could feel the horror of what happened here emanating from the very walls.

The hall ended in a bedroom furnished for a teenage boy. There was a Miami Dolphins poster on the wall and laundry piled in the corner. The bed was unmade. A muddy pair of sneakers had been tossed near the door.

A pool of blood near the foot of the bed was the only indicator of something going terribly wrong in here. Natalia realized this must be David's room, the boy who had survived the attack, at least for now. Her heart twisted when she thought about him. No one deserved this even a little bit.

Natalia set her kit down near the door and squatted down to fish out a pair of gloves. Her back was to the room.

She didn't see the man silently step out of the closet and aim a gun at the back of her head.

"Don't move," he whispered hoarsely, cocking the gun.

Natalia froze, her gut clenching at the familiar metallic click of death being readied.

_Suspect on location._ The words died in her throat; she was too scared to utter them.

"Stand up slowly and turn around," he ordered.

She obeyed, wildly thinking she should make a run for the door. But she knew she wouldn't make it two steps without a couple of bullets in her back. Her breath hitched in her chest as she fought the panic rising in her heart.

"Scream and I'll blow your brains out," he hissed.

Natalia swallowed.

"Hey, Natalia?"

She jumped when she heard Ryan's voice coming from down the hall. The gunman's eyes narrowed maliciously at the sound. She heard Ryan's footsteps approaching. The man's grip on the gun tightened.

She put her hands up, silently begging the man not to do anything. "Yeah, Ryan?" she answered back, her voice cracking. Her eyes never left the barrel of the gun.

"My UV light's dead, can I borrow yours?"

He was only a few steps away from the room. Natalia could feel herself trembling. The man was watching her, his gaze flicking between her and the open door behind her. He pointed the gun at the vacant doorway.

"No, please..." she said quietly.

"Shut up!" the man growled.

"...Are you talking to somebody?" Ryan's voice said.

Ryan appeared in the doorway.

"Don't move!" the man barked. Ryan froze, his eyes wide.

"Don't even think about reaching for your gun, either of you!" the man said.

"Natalia..." Ryan said quietly. "Who is this guy?"

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say he's our killer," she said dryly, straining to keep her voice even.

The man laughed harshly. "You guess right, sweetheart!"

Ryan saw movement in the shadowy hallway to his left. He risked a glance and felt a surge of relief flood through his veins.

Horatio was silently inching toward them, his gun drawn and ready.

Ryan took a miniscule step to his right, toward Natalia. "So what now, man?" he asked casually. "This place is full of cops. How exactly are you planning to get out of here?"

The man grinned maniacally. A strange fire burned deep in his eyes. "I never planned to get out of here," he said quietly. "And neither should you."

In one lightning move, he pointed the gun at Natalia.

Everything seemed to flick into slow motion. There was a blur of color and something heavy slammed into her, knocking her against the wall. A deafening bang, followed by two more.

Silence.

A weight pressed her against the wall. Her face was lying against something warm and solid. Natalia didn't want to open her eyes, though she knew she had to. The wall was very hard behind her.

"Natalia..."

Ryan's whisper came from right next to her ear. She suddenly realized _he _was what was on top of her. He'd thrown himself at her when the killer had fired his gun.

**I will never let you fall**

**I'll stand up with you forever**

"Ryan?" she whispered back, opening her eyes. She was looking over his shoulder.

"Are you... okay?" His voice sounded strange. Choked.

"Uh-huh. Are _you_ okay?"

Why were they still against the wall?

He didn't answer her. She could feel as well as hear his breathing. It was raspy and shallow.

In pain.

Natalia gasped. "Ryan?"

She put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him off of her slightly. She hastily began looking for wounds. She didn't see any anywhere. Ryan's eyes were fixed on her dazedly. He looked as if he wouldn't be able to hold himself up much longer. Horatio was kneeling over the killer, checking for a pulse. Natalia realized Horatio had fired the last two shots she'd heard.

She reached her arms under his to begin feeling around his back. He slumped against her. She gasped when she felt warm, sticky fluid on his upper back, near his left shoulder.

**I'll be there for you through it all**

**Even if saving you sends me to heaven**

"Horatio, Ryan's hit!" she cried. The redhead looked stricken and immediately ran from the room to fetch the paramedics.

Tears were welling up in her eyes. She gently eased Ryan to the ground, cradling him in her arms. She ignored the feeling of his warm blood seeping onto her clothes.

Ryan looked up at her with those hazel eyes. He smiled weakly.

Natalia's chin quivered, fighting against the tears and losing.

"It's okay..." he whispered.

A sob escaped her. She held him close to her chest, rocking back and forth ever so slightly.

**It's okay... It's okay... It's okay...**

"You're gonna be okay, Ryan," she murmured. "I promise. Just hold on."

"It's okay..." he repeated.

It scared her that his voice was getting quieter, his eyelids drooping. He was losing too much blood too fast.

"Ryan, I need you to stay with me, okay?" she said. "I need you to stay awake, sweetie."

A tiny grin flashed at the corner of his mouth. Then his face fell and his eyes closed all the way.

Icy fear gripped her heart. "Ryan?" she said, shaking him ever so slightly.

He was completely limp in her arms, barely breathing.

"No, no, Ryan!" she cried, the tears flowing freely now. "Wake up!"

Natalia stroked his hair desperately. "Ryan, don't let go!"

Thundering footsteps down the hall announced the coming arrival of the paramedics.

She held her friend even tighter, as if hoping to lend some of her life to him.

"Please, don't leave me," she whispered.

:|o|:

The next few hours were a blur of noise and light. Natalia numbly drifted in and out of awareness. She vaguely remembered the paramedics prying Ryan out of her protective embrace to work on him and rush him to the hospital. Horatio had guided her downstairs to the Hummer so they could follow the ambulance. She didn't remember the ride.

The emergency room was absolute chaos. All Natalia could do was let Horatio sit her down in a vacant chair outside the trauma room as they wheeled Ryan inside. Alexx's face hovered in front of her at one point, murmuring soothing words and saying something to Horatio about shock.

Natalia felt as if the world around her had been shot into fast forward, but she was still stuck in normal time. The scenario played in her mind over and over and over again. The man... the gun... Ryan... gunshots... blood...

Her best friend dying in her arms.

A wave of nausea washed over her at the memory. She hid her face in her hands, welcoming the warm darkness of her palms. She lost track of how long she had been sitting there, fighting to stay strong for her friend.

_Seasons are changing_

_And waves are crashing_

_And stars are falling all for us_

_Days grow longer and nights grow shorter_

_I can show you I'll be the one_

"How is he, Alexx?"

Natalia looked up at the sound of Horatio's voice. She was startled to see Calleigh was sitting next to her with one comforting hand on her back. When did that happen? Eric was standing nearby with Frank and Walter.

"They're moving him to surgery," Alexx told them shakily. "Judging by the amount of bleeding, the bullet may have nicked his aorta. He's critical."

Natalia hid her face in her hands again. Calleigh rubbed her back soothingly.

"They'll know more once they start the surgery," Alexx said. "If they can get his volume back up and close up the bleeding, he has a chance."

_A chance. _The word reverberated through Natalia's already-throbbing skull. She couldn't believe this was happening. Ryan was fighting for his life because he had jumped in front of a bullet meant for her.

She was supposed to be the one dying right now, not him. Not her best friend, her Ryan.

Tears welled up in her eyes again, her whole body shaking. What she wouldn't give to trade places with him at that moment. She would gladly give her life to save his, just as he had done for her.

_I will never let you fall_

_I'll stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

:|o|:

The team moved up to the surgical waiting room. Natalia still hadn't spoken to anyone, lost in her own thoughts. She was grateful no one asked her any direct questions. Horatio was warding off IAB for her, she could tell.

"You should go home and change, Natalia," Calleigh's quiet voice said next to her.

"Huh?" Natalia asked dazedly. She looked down at her lap and was almost surprised to see the blood stains on her. Ryan's blood.

"C'mon, I'll take you home," Calleigh coaxed. "We can come right back."

"No way," Natalia said forcefully. _I'm not leaving him._

Calleigh's eyes were understanding but concerned. She stood up and walked over to Alexx. They said something Natalia couldn't hear, then Alexx nodded and left. Calleigh came back to sit next to Natalia.

A few minutes later, Alexx reappeared carrying a folded set of blue scrubs. She handed them to Natalia, who gratefully took them with shaking hands.

:|o|:

After Natalia had changed, the waiting game had resumed. Her thoughts dwelled mostly on Ryan.

He'd always looked out for her over the years, at least after the whole mole thing had died down. He'd taught her a lot about being a CSI, in fact she would even go so far as to call him her mentor. A bit belligerent in the beginning perhaps, but he'd forgiven her eventually. And then they'd gotten along just fine as friends.

At that moment she would have given anything to have him once again beside her, making her laugh as he always did with his smartass attitude. Listening to him bicker with Walter or Tom was always hilarious. He'd always been a little spitfire, but it had become more noticeable in recent years, at least in her opinion. Probably because she'd been spending more time with him these days, especially since Calleigh and Eric got together and therefore had little time for anyone else.

She knew she loved Ryan. Not in the way she had once thought she loved Nick or even Eric. This was a different kind of love, one that didn't hurt. In a way it was purer.

The kind of love most people think of, the romantic kind, could be fake. Her marriage to Nick was proof enough of that. That kind of false love was worse than no love at all. And, she'd be the first to admit it, her love with Eric had pretty much been completely raw, physical attraction.

She loved Ryan as a friend with her whole heart. When someone could make you feel safe and happy without the physical stuff, without the romance, that was real love.

It hurt her so much to even think of losing him.

'_Cause you're my true love, my whole heart_

_Please don't throw that away_

:|o|:

The team looked up from their silence when the surgeon approached, a grim look on his face. A lump rose in Natalia's throat when she saw him. Everyone stood as still as statues.

"We've moved him to intensive care," he said solemnly. "The bullet fragmented when it clipped his shoulder blade and one of the pieces grazed his aorta. We were able to remove all of the fragments and repair the damage. But I have to warn you, he lost a lot of blood. He's very weak."

"What are his chances?" Eric asked quietly.

The doctor sighed heavily. "Well, he's resting now. We extubated him and have him on antibiotics and pain control. There's some room for cautious optimism."

Everyone breathed a quiet sigh of relief. In medical terms, that was very good news.

"Can we see him?" Walter asked.

"He needs quiet, absolute rest," the doctor said. "His injury is incredibly delicate and at this point even the tiniest spike in blood pressure could reopen the wound. I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist he only have one visitor tonight. Too many people could be overwhelming. The rest of you can come back in the morning if he's stronger."

Everyone looked at Natalia. Warm gratitude squeezed her heart that they were letting her be the one.

The doctor looked at her. "This way, ma'am."

Natalia stood shakily and followed the doctor. He led her through the waiting room and down a hallway. He stopped outside room 218. He looked at her seriously.

"He's in a fragile state right now," he told her. "If anything happens, there's a panic button on the wall above his bed and the nurses' station is just down there."

Natalia nodded slowly.

"The anesthesia should be wearing off soon," the doctor warned her. "As I said before, he's very weak. He probably won't wake up anytime soon. But if he does, do not let him move. Keep him absolutely still and call the nurses' station. I'll be by every hour or so to check on him, as will the nurses."

"Thank you, doctor," she said quietly.

He left her there. She stared at the door for a moment, suddenly dreading to go in. But she mustered all her courage and nudged the door open.

The room was dim, the only light coming from the setting sun through the window. The shadows were starting to lengthen.

Ryan was lying on his right side in the bed, hooked up to monitors, an IV and a blood transfusion. She approached him cautiously, sitting in the chair at his bedside.

His arms were gently tucked in close to his body. His face was blank, his closed eyes shadowed. She prayed he wasn't in any pain.

Natalia leaned forward, laying her arm on the bed railing and resting her chin on her arm. With her free hand she gently reached toward him and laid it on his head. She idly stroked his forehead with her thumb, ever so gently. He felt reassuringly warm. Alive.

She lifted her head so she could free her other hand. She picked up one of his limp hands in hers.

"Ryan?" she whispered, so quiet she could barely hear herself. "Can you hear me?"

The only sound in the room was the steady beeping of the heart monitor.

"If you can hear me, squeeze my hand," she begged him.

It remained motionless in her grip.

Natalia's chin quivered, hot tears beginning to leak out. "Come back to me, sweetheart," she whispered. The emotion behind the words overwhelmed her and sobs began shaking her body once more. She sat there and cried as quietly as she could force herself, holding onto her friend for dear life.

_'Cause I'm here for you_

_Please don't walk away_

_Please tell me you'll stay_

_Stay_

A million things swirled around in her head, questions and feelings.

_Why did you do it? _

She wanted to ask him, demand that he answer her. She was so angry at herself, she should've been more careful at the scene. She was angry with the officers who had cleared the crime scene for not doing a thorough job. She was angry at the bastard who murdered an entire family and then tried to kill her. She was even a little angry at Ryan for being such an idiot as to jump in front of a bullet.

_WHY?_

She swallowed the word. She knew exactly why, as much as she hated to admit it. It was the same reason why she would've done the same for him. He had just been faster than her this time.

They were friends. Partners. He'd had her back when she was having her hearing problems. She'd had his back when he was being framed for murder and stealing evidence. That's what friends do.

They take care of each other.

Natalia sighed, fighting to rein in her tears. Sobbing over him like a mourner at a funeral was not going to help Ryan get better. He'd saved her life at that crime scene. He'd taken care of her. Now he needed her. It was her turn to take care of him.

Natalia dried her eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She leaned in close to him again, her left hand softly stroking his hair and her right holding his hand close to her face.

"I'm here, Ryan," she whispered. "I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere."

_Use me as you will_

_Pull my strings just for a thrill_

_And I know I'll be okay_

_Though my skies are turning grey_

:|o|:

Natalia sat there for she didn't know how long. As promised, the doctor and a few nurses came in at intervals to check on everything and hook up another bag of blood at one point. Natalia never let go of Ryan's hand the entire time, even when she dozed off for a little while.

It was a clear night outside, the rainstorm having run its course. The full moon seemed to glow brighter than the sun, flooding the room in soft, blue light. The yellow light of the hallway also filtered into the room, casting it in warm dimness. As Natalia sat there keeping her vigil, she suddenly wondered why the doctor hadn't kicked her out by now. She smiled to herself. Perhaps Horatio had had a word with him before he'd left.

She looked at her watch and was startled to see it was almost midnight. Whether she felt she'd been there longer or not, she couldn't decide. Time was a foreign thing to her.

Natalia gazed at Ryan's sleeping form. His face seemed a little more peace now than it was before. Perhaps it was just the moonlight playing tricks. But deep in her heart she knew it wasn't just that. She knew he was going to be okay now.

Natalia bent forward farther than before, half-standing, until her lips were just over his ear. Her hair brushed his face.

"Ryan," she breathed, barely a whisper. "Thank you for saving me. You're an idiot, but I still love you. So don't let go, okay? Keep fighting."

With that, she kissed his temple softly.

She moved to pull away and return to her seat. She froze.

His eyes were half open.

Natalia grinned. "Hey."

Ryan's disoriented gaze followed the sound of her voice until their eyes met. The corners of his mouth twitched. They sat there looking at each other for a moment. He was too weak and she was too relieved to do anything else.

"The doctor said to not move, okay?" she told him.

He blinked heavily.

"I don't know what I would've done if I'd lost you today," she said quietly.

The look in those hazel eyes said the word he couldn't.

_Likewise._

His eyelids started to droop.

"You should get some sleep, you need your strength," she murmured. "You're gonna need it for when the team visits in the morning."

The corners of his mouth twitched again, a flash of his usual crooked grin. His eyes closed.

Once he'd dropped off to sleep once more, she whispered, "I'll be right here."

_**I will never let you fall**_

_**I'll stand up with you forever**_

_**I'll be there for you through it all**_

_**Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_

:|o|:

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**Author's Note: **Hope you liked! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews are my cocaine. I'm going through withdrawal, help a junkie out, will ya? :D


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